As Thanksgiving approaches us, holidays are near, some of us are anxiously waiting for company to come over while many are hurting and in despair. I remember all the holiday gatherings with my family like it was yesterday. Memories that were imprinted in.
I am going to share something I NEVER shared before. I felt embarrassed to talk about this knowing at my age it put a huge hole in me saying to myself, “am I a little to old to be feeling this way.” I was at a complete loss when it happened. I remember getting angry with God. Yes I said it. I was angry and hurt at the same time. How? Why? Why us? No God. No! But I feel it needs to be shared because many are facing and feeling this.
When we go through trials the enemy will throw every single thing at you to not trust in the Lord. Oh how I wish I could’ve seen that back then but I didn’t know the Word to its fullest. I still don’t know all there is to know, but I do know 5 times more than I did.
I remember hearing those words… a family that is now broken. A family who would do all the things together and is now no more. I broke down and cried. How could this be? What can I do to fix this? I tried everything in my power to fix it but God was showing me otherwise. He was showing me it wasn’t my job to fix but to rely on His strength. Did I listen? No. I didn’t. Instead I was letting my marriage fade because my parents marriage faded. I began to let fear creep in feeling if my parents marriage failed so will mine. Nothing lasts forever. There’s no “happily ever after.” I was so empty and hurt at a young but older age. I had to hold it together for my marriage, for my siblings, for my parents, for my children, it was all too much. I began letting my marriage fail because I didn’t want to get hurt towards the end like how I was seeing with my eyes. A broken family. I remember telling myself and God… “this is not how its suppose to be.”
For a long time I felt divided & broken. Nothing was or will be the same. But I’ve seen things, my heart is more tender instead of hard, I am more compassionate than before, and I grew stronger in my marriage. I had to let go and let God work his way in me and through me. When my parents divorced, I didn’t want anything to do with my marriage. I was afraid it would fall apart just like theirs did. I didn’t want to give it my all and than it all be stripped away from breaking my heart into shattered pieces. I had to hand that fear over, those feelings I felt over, and allow God to transform my thinking with His Word. I had to hand over the emptiness, the brokenness, so He can begin making me whole. He showed me how to be a wife after Gods own heart A daughter after His heart. He helped me grow in areas I needed growth in. He showed me my weaknesses and strengths so I can work on those instead of running away from them.
I was afraid to show how it hurt me because I was already married with two kids, what kind of person hurts at that age when the parents are no longer one? What kind of person cries and cries of hurt feeling she has to “choose” a parent for the holidays feeling one is left out and negated? I mean people laugh at those kind of people right? Thats what I thought. I thought I needed to be tough! You know like The Rock. That is Dwayne Johnson by the way in case you don’t know! I thought I needed to be tough, like it didn’t bother me. But boy it bothered the heck out of me. It hurt me deep down to my core!
I finally cried out to God asking for His grace, asking for help in this and His forgiveness for me ignoring and trying to do it my way! Crying out to heal my brokenness and fix my stubbornness.
Once I allowed Him to fully take control, I began working on my marriage wanting to do and be better. I wanted my marriage to be protected with the Armor of God. In order for me to have that, I had to let Him work in me and through me for myself and marriage. I wanted my marriage to reflect Him & for my children to see that marriage truly is a beautiful gift even with little complications. My marriage began prospering and flourishing once I fully submitted myself to Him.
Marriage isn’t easy. It isn’t a quick fix. It isn’t a overnight kind of deal. Its years of tears, laughter, prayer, struggles, trials, smiles, kisses, all the things. But with Christ first and center of your marriage, it truly is beautiful & peaceful.
Though the holidays may never be the same, I am okay with it. Those memories I hold onto and cherish them. New memories can now be made. I am grateful for new mercies, new blessings and new days ahead.
Whatever your facing, whatever your are going through, trust in the Lord with all your heart. Allow His peace to overflow within you. Let Him transform your mind and heart. Brokenness isn’t a bad thing friend. Just don’t stay stuck there, let Him work in and through you to help make you whole! Reach out to a friend to confide in, someone you trust. Seek out counsel if needed. Apply essential oils and pray to help overcome your emotions. Praying for you friend as the holidays are upon us.